and i will find myself
by ayebydan
Summary: Eric finds himself fascinated with the Stiff until there is nothing he can do but confront himself, and then her, about it.


He sees Four reach over the side of the train and bites down a growl when the flash of blonde slips past his arm and into the camouflage of black shirts. Fucking Stiff. Eric wants to stomp forward but he also does not want to break his cool image that keeps everyone in line. His face must show a storm though because the initiates part like the sea in the old stories he read as a child in Erudite. They shift their gaze between him and the Stiff as if they are watching a damn tennis match.

"Who let you out?"

Four backs off, which is weird but he ignores it, and the Stiff wavers for a split second before staring him down. "I did."

"You did?" He knew that before but fuck telling her that. He steps from one foot to the other and clicks his tongue before nodding. "Ok."

Four looks wary and he likes that but he doesn't show it. They both know the Stiff will crawl her way into stage two but he'll end her there. For now, he will let it go. She just isn't strong enough to survive, simple as that.

Shooting the girl helps. Shooting Four will help a lot more.

His leg and chest are still stinging but the flag being waved in his face hurts more. Maybe she has more in her than he thought. He heard rumours of her getting up during the night to train but given how woeful she remained on the combat mats he never bothered to check it out for himself and he certainly was not going to be asking Four. His crew liven up once word spreads about the initiation ritual and Eric makes sure that by the time they call get back he is ready and waiting for her. Four is predictable as always and stops her for a second, separating her from her friends. He signals to her from a chasm to the side and being raised to be so obedient she drifts towards him with nothing more than a questioning look.

Her friends don't even notice. Four needs to get them better trained, before a factionless slits their damn throats.

"Um, yeah?"

He says nothing for a few moments and revels in how uneasy it makes her look. Good. "You know usually I'd throw your ass into the streets so fast you wouldn't realised I'd grabbed you by the scruff for jumping on that train but I wanted to see if you had anything to go with those big balls of yours. Seems you do. I don't often say I'm wrong but...well maybe I was not all that right about you."

She stands up straighter. "Is that supposed to be a compliment?"

"No. I don't do them. Fucking useless. Take if that way if it makes you sleep better but I'd rather you take on board that I will be watching you closer than ever now, Stiff. You have potential. Do me a favour and don't let Four waste it." He snarls at her, using his frame to loom over her and damn impressed when she holds her ground and even makes to defend her trainer. "Save it. We hate each other and we always will."

With that he brushes past her and heads for the bar but she is loud enough that he hears the muttered, "fucking ass." He grins all the way to the vodka and scares plenty of dauntless on his way there.

Her training starts to go better. She has clearly started to believe in herself or maybe she just hates him a lot more than she did before because her hardest hits on the bag tend to fall in line with the glares sent his way. Whatever works. He notices her knuckles at dinner, all purple and green and looking utterly outraged at the world.

Lying awake that night and staring at the ceiling he turns over everything he knows about Tris in his mind. Then he kicks his own mattress in frustration because when the fuck did she become _Tris_? Realising that sleep is not going to come any time soon if it comes at all he throws the covers off and efficiently gets himself dressed. He prowls down the corridors listening carefully. He does not want anyone to know that Tris is keeping him awake at night.

Sure enough he hears her hitting the bag before he enters the gym. The lights are on low and a bottle of water and a towel sits to the side. Good, she is not stupid then. No eye strain and no dehydration are going to dump her out the door.

"Our training programme not sufficient for you, Stiff?" To her credit she only pauses for a couple of seconds before she returns to her work. He moves closer and takes a seat on a crate nearby.

"I know where my weakness is. When you have a weakness you need to do more than your peers to keep up. Simple as that." The words come out in puffs because she is still punching away but somehow that gives them more bite, more power.

"True, but sleep helps too."

"I get enough. I never did sleep that long. I was too busy having thoughts I shouldn't have."

It is a strange remark and yet it makes sense. If she never belonged in such a controlled environment then he can see why she would wonder about everyone else's. He did the same, just for different reasons. He gets to his feet again and approaches her loudly so she knows he is coming and does not accidently hit him. If she hits him deliberately he will let her away with it. Once.

She does not hit him. He grabs her right hand to stop her hits and she looks at him through wide eyes taking shuddering breathes. He slowly unwraps the tapings on her hands and then takes them in his larger ones, rubbing his thumbs over the broken and bruised skin.

"You can't go on like this, Tris."

"So you do know my name."

He smiles at that and kind of wishes that he didn't. "Guess I do." His stomach feels strange. He is mortified to realise his cheeks are filling with blood. What the fuck?

"Why are you here?"

"Got curious." Is all he says and he is not lying, not really. He feels a sudden and very alien urge to flee the room so he lowers her hands to her sides and then drops them. "Figured you might be at this but you can't hit as hard with broken knuckles. Find a balance and then...show me what you can do with it."

He turns abruptly on his heels and tells himself with each pace to stay calm and not walk any faster. What is she doing to him?

Fucking Abnegation and their odd little transfers coming into his life and turning it upside down.

She doesn't look at him at breakfast and he is grateful for that. That would make things awkward. Or, more awkward. He finds himself thrilled when she gets through the first round. He finds himself thinking about her a whole lot more than he would like to.

He waits until dinner the next night and decides he needs to find out what the fuck this is all about. He makes sure he finishes first and is in the hallway when she leaves. This time he does not bother being subtle. Four is not around so he does not have to worry about that.

"Stiff! A word?"

"Go get your tats. I'll see you guys later." She walks with a more confident swagger when she approaches him this time. He finds himself laughing lowly.

"Come with me, please." He starts off for his room and for a second does not think that she will follow him but as they reach a deserted corridor he can hear her boots scuffing the floor behind him. he leads her to the elevator and she slots in beside him and flexes her shoulders as he presses the button for his floor. He doesn't say a word on the ride or until he reaches his room, unlocks the door, and invites her in.

"What is this?"

"You're in my head. I don't like it."

She squints at him for a second and then shakes her head. "That is impossible. You can't...not like that."

"I can. I do." Not easy things to admit out loud but he admires how quickly she catches on given the faction she came from where even mirrors were banned. He turns on his heel and faces her. He rattles his keys in his hands for a second and then drops them on the couch to his left. She shifts her weight, uneasily, from one foot to another. He moves forward slowly so that he does not startle her and raises his hand to cup the side of her face. She shudders and he stills, allowing her the chance to flee. She stays.

"Eric I-"

"Shh. May I kiss you?" She seems startled that he would even ask permission and that stings but he is not an animal. Dauntless still have respect and Erudite even more. She blinks up at him and he is taken in by her wide brown eyes before she looks away for a fraction of a second and nods, her cheeks burning. He must be her first, so he makes sure that he is careful.

He lowers his mouth to hers and presses his lips to hers. He waits until he feels pressure in return and shifts closer to her, wraps a hand around her waist and kisses her again, encourages her on and deepens it. She shivers in his grasp and he falls further.

He will not let her fail and he will not let her die. He is in too deep for that.


End file.
